Category Archives: Think about it

I miss this place…

I have been blogging for roughly a year now, and have really enjoyed it. Lately, however, it has been hard to sit down and write things. Hard to check in with myself or tell a story. I start blogs, leave them unfinished, post less and less. This could be because I am completely physically and mentally exhausted every day (which led me to get bloodwork done, and guess what?! Totally healthy. Exceptional cholesterol, iron levels, blood pressure, etc), probably has something to do with the fact that my iPhone shattered and I blog from my phone mostly (I’m iPhone typing right now, but can only see half the screen, so I’m blind typing a lot of this), or because a lazy streak has stopped me in my tracks. Either way, I miss it. I’m trying to figure out a way to fit more writing time in, document my journey, give some updates. I haven’t checked in with my list in a while. Just typing that gave me anxiety. so for now, some pictures. Because even though I haven’t been writing about it, we have been having quite the summer already.

20120606-160300.jpgJosephine and her friend Meyer have a paint party

20120606-160407.jpg Eclipse shadows

20120606-160714.jpg Backyard lazy time

20120606-160953.jpg First haircut!!

20120606-161416.jpg Hello, summer!

20120606-161635.jpg Wedding play time

20120606-161908.jpg Hanging out with Uncle New Guy (Chandler Pratt) and Bloody Ol Mule (Shilo Brown) at the Redwood Mountain Faire

20120606-162423.jpg fiat shaved ice waiting for Daddy’s band to play

20120606-162853.jpg The big bad (pink and orange) wolf

20120606-163039.jpg Our flowering cactus

We had our first ER trip for a moderate dog bite. Everyone is feeling crappy about this one. Luckily, she is alright, no stitches needed, and recovering by watching Finding Nemo and relaxing. That was not a fun call to get at work today. Yuck.

And so, here are a bunch of photos and a pledge to try my hardest to not just do lazy picture posts like I have been. Anyone have any good energy boosting ideas? I already work out every morning and drink coffee and it’s not helping. I’m dragging here. Just dragging. Thanks for sticking with me through the lazy times. It’ll get better, I swear.


Monday morning thoughts

Fact: when I drive by a pasture of miniature horses I pretend I’m a giant.

Fact: I am typing this from a Walmart parking lot at 6:10 am while working up the courage to go in. I am picking up a little present for a stressed out deserving colleague. Walmart before 7 am scares me, but it’s the only place open right now. Also, there are two tweakers yelling at each other. Stay classy, Modesto.

Fact: I maybe slept 12 hours total since Friday. Three of those hours happened last night. I am beat. Bring it on, Monday. Bring it on. I’m feeling scrappy.
Walmart is actually mildly peaceful at 6:15 am, other than the employees yelling around at each other about how they are out of propane and need to go to Target to pick stuff up. And I found this card genre that I didn’t know existed. Too bad ALL the cards were gone. It’s rough out there, folks.



This morning, while getting ready, the name Angela Merkel popped into my head. I knew I’d heard it on NPR, but had no idea who it was. Then I got in my car to leave. The radio was on and tuned to NPR and the very first story talked a little about Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor. Spoooooky!
Oh, and here was my sunrise.


How to get to breastfeeding street

I read this article yesterday and it made me tear up a little. What really got me is how strongly people feel that women should be ashamed of breastfeeding. It makes me sick to think that people feel the need to hide, not talk about, shy away from breastfeeding.
For some reason the comments underneath really moved me. So much love and support for children and breastfeeding. My feelings are pretty simple. Breastfeeding is beautiful, and I don’t think it should be a big deal at all. I would love it if we could all just treat the site (or thought) of a woman breastfeeding as nonchalantly as the site of bottle feeding.
Women don’t want to be able to walk around topless, show their boobs to the world, shove their breasts in your face (although I’ve seen many men hoot and holler joyously when this happens when a baby is not attached to the breast). They just want to be able to feed their children in peace, without stares, comments, judgment.
It’s not gross, disgusting, unconscionable. People don’t care that bikini models flaunt tons of cleavage on the front of magazines on the supermarket shelves. Put a child to that breast (the same breast who’s main function it is to feed a baby) and all hell breaks loose.
This would be like me saying to you, “you know, it’s ok for you to wear reading glasses to look sexy, but if you need to use them to read with, go in another room. That’s just gross.” Really people? Gross?
I think the public is gross.
Bring it Sesame Street!

Good morning

Some morning thoughts and questions:

I miss the Christmas lights on my way to the gym in the dark. It made this whole gym thing much more festive.

Have you ever put on a damp bathing suit at 6 am when it was 32 degrees outside and then scraped ice off your windshield? No? Well, you’re not missing much.

Why is it that NPR seems to only cut out right in the middle of interesting stories? Never on the stock reports. Never.

Help Share a Story

For some people, family comes easily.  They meet, fall in love (or fall in like… whatevs), do the deed, wait a few months, then pop out a baby. 

For others, it’s more complicated.  These are couples with fertility issues, same sex couples, single women (and I’m sure men, too) who want babies, yet haven’t found a partner to procreate with. 

For those people, too, there is an unknown.  A lack of information.  The possible feeling of isolation and confusion as you step into this process that is more complicated than you and me and a baby makes three. 

When I was pregnant and planning a home birth I took solace in reading home birth story after home birth story.  It helped me to know that there were so many others making the same journey as I was.  It gave me strength and helped quell my fears.  Information is powerful.  Knowing that someone has navigated a similar path to you can do more than someone just telling you that it will be fine, that everything is going to work out.  Everyone wants to know that they are not alone.  At the same time, I read non home birth stories too.  I believe it’s important to be able to hear stories of experiences that are different from your own so that you can feel empathy, understand differences, and grow as a person.  Blogging is a great vehicle for delivering information and telling stories.  So are documentaries. 

Our friend Rick is making a documentary called Between Friends and Family about his journey as a known sperm donor for a same sex couple with whom he is friends.  As stated on the film website, “In 2008, Mel and Cary asked their neighbor, Rick to help them start a family.  They planned to share the birth mom role and eventually have two children, and they were looking for someone willing to be a donor for both pregnancies.  Rick agreed and began documenting their evolving relationship, a project that three years later has become a personal documentary that explores boundaries and the gray areas Between Friends and Family.

I’m so excited about this film and cannot wait to watch and learn.  But documentaries, unlike a free blog, cost money.  This is where we all come in.  There is a great website called  Basically, it is a platform for people to pledge money to help to fund a project.  It helps to get projects off the ground without having to sell rights, sign deals, and be creatively under someone’s thumb.  It’s brilliant.  I’ve seen it used to raise money for various recording projects with great success. 

Rick is using kickstarter to raise money to complete his amazing documentary.  The deal with kickstarter is that no money changes hands until the fundraising goal is met.  That way the creator has enough money to complete the project, and pledgers are able to see a final result.  Please take a minute to check out his page.  There are giving opportunities from $1 up, and any little bit helps.  There are great incentives to give as well.  If you pledge $25 to the project, you are ensured a DVD copy of the film.  So, really, it’s just like pre-paying for the DVD.  Awesome. 

Please click here for the Kickstarter page and check it out, support if you can.  You can also like the film’s Facebook Page for up to date information on the project.  Even sharing the page with others via your own social networking avenues can help.  Thank you!

Photo via



Tomorrow is my first day going to my new gym. I’m a little nervous. Like the first day of high school. I hope the mean kids don’t pick on me. No, but really, it’s going to be a whole new routine, getting ready for work at the gym. I hope I can still swim. Also, I hope I don’t do anything stupid like forget my bra at home.

Over the years…

When I turned 30 I had to renew my license. This meant also getting a new picture taken since the one only current license was from when I was 17. This was the most traumatic part of turning 30. In order to put it behind me, here it is… What a difference 13 years makes:


And 2011:

Hmmm, along with more wisdom I’ve seemed to acquired more chins. 🙂

What’s going on?!

I’ve been on a junk food bender recently. I must be stressed. Wonder what that’s about? Arrrrghh!


When to wean…

Josephine and I came home I noticed the people we rent our side pasture to (the owners of Mia and her son Graham, the pretty horses) leading Graham down the street away from our house. Mia was crying out loudly, so upset that she was taking her baby horse away from her. I remember our renter telling us she’d be doing this soon. She told us she’d be putting Graham in another pasture so that she could wean him. He’s still breastfeeding and she needs to break the bond so that she’ll be able to leave the pasture without Mia freaking the eff out.

Got me thinking…

Josephine is still breastfeeding… at close to two (in just a couple of weeks!!!) she is still going strong. She started to self wean a while back, but that process is going ever so slowly. Some days she’s content to have milk when she wakes up, before nap and before bed. Other days she wants to breastfeed more than that. I don’t offer, I say no at other times when it is inconvenient, and I have such mixed feelings about how to proceed. Breastfeeding was so important for me, something I mentally prepared for and was committed to staying with, but I didn’t think about the end. About how I would feel or when would be the right time to stop. For me. For Josephine.

We are starting to get those looks, those comments, when people find out that she is still breastfeeding. It can get really uncomfortable. I fall secretly in love with each person who tells me, “good for you guys!” when they hear the news, if only because I don’t have to defend myself or stumble around about an explanation. I, myself, have mixed feelings about extended breastfeeding for myself, so it is really hard to muster up the courage to defend myself (because, seriously, I don’t walk up to other people and say, “Jesus! You’re already giving your kid soda?! At two?! Wow, I think it’s time you stop that.” I keep those thoughts to myself).

Part of me feels sad when I think of Josephine weaning. Just like Mia and Graham, I feel like it will break a bond. Although I am able to leave Josephine without freaking the eff out, I know I will miss that closeness that only we can share when I return. I love to hear her little sighs, and feel her little hand on my chest, rubbing my neck, pinching my face, feel her warm cuddly body across my lap. Not having that anymore brings me so much sadness. The same sadness I feel when I look at pictures of her birth, her first month, her first year. It’s all going by so fast. I am not getting any of this time back.

I also am so ready in other ways. To say goodbye to the pump that I must wake up to every weekday morning. The leasing of my body to Josephine, who has owned some part of my anatomy for over two and a half years. The burn when it’s 6 pm on one of those days when Josephine hasn’t nursed since 8 am. The nasty comments I have received. The confusion when she hurts herself and asks for milk to calm down. Do I just do it, or am I done with comfort nursing? It’s all so confusing when the key to weaning is consistency, but I’m still waffling over the decision.

I want to wean, but get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think about the end of my breastfeeding relationship with my child. I suppose that means that I’m not quite ready yet, but I know that the end is coming soon. I feel it approaching quickly. In the end I’ll have the memories, the feelings of closeness, and I know in reality, I’ll still have that bond that won’t be broken. Wish me luck…

Josephine and me on the day she was born.